my Testimony

19 "For I through the law am dead to the law, that I might live unto God.
20 I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, Who loved me, and gave Himself for me.
21 I do not frustrate the grace of God: for if righteousness come by the law, then Christ is dead in vain." -(Gal. 2:19-21)

I really don't like to talk about myself, but in this case I'm going to, simply because God told me to... in order that that He would be glorified and some of you drawn closer to Him (You will see what I mean, trust me).
Before I begin though, I would like to draw your attention to the scripture passage above. I was going to start this little dissertation by including only verse 20 (how that my "self-life" is dead, that Christ may live through me) yet the Holy Spirit stopped me in my tracks and urged me to include verses 19 and 20 as book-ends (which they obviously are, if we want the proper context of this passage!). You see, about five years ago, I would have stuck with verse 20, no matter what, because- after all -what in the heck did law have to do with me? Why, after all.... I was under GRACE, no longer under law (although I knew that the law was good and that I should now be able to keep it through Christ). Amazingly, what I failed to realize, is that Paul the Apostle, the author of this epistle and inspired by the Holy Ghost, was talking to Christians here; And if "law" was a "problem" with Christians back then, it certainly can be a problem now as well. And besides, I had a faulty understanding of what he was talking about in regards to "law" in the first place!
Ok, now to give you a "run-down" on my life up to the present: Interestingly, it can broken down symbolically into four time periods of ancient Israel:

1) "Bondage years in 'Egypt' " (first 23 years)
2) "Deliverance from Egypt", and rejoicing (2 years)
3) "Wilderness wanderings" (17 years)
4) "Abundant Life in Canaan the Promised land" (last 4 years)

1) Bondage years in Egypt (first 23 years)
This of course was me in my natural state as your average worldly person who possessed a "run-wild sin nature" and didn't really care. I was "without Christ, being an alien from the commonwealth of Israel, and a stranger from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world -Eph. 2:10." If there was a God (and I wasn't even sure if there was), He didn't seem to care about me and did not apply at all to my life. So I just did what I pleased and what I could get away with. I wasn't as hard-core into sin like many others, in that I didn't do drugs, party hardy with liquor, etc., but I was certainly "bad enough" with other things that I am now ashamed of! I knew I was in bondage to various things, but hey... so was everyone else that I knew of; This was just the "way it was" in the world in which I was born and lived, sort of like Israel under servitude to their Egyptian task-masters. I had numerous personal problems (which I won't get into), but needless to say, by the time I was 24, I was a very lost young man. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely miserable all the time: I had hobbies and sinful pleasures that gave me a sort of means of escape from all the bad things, but none of those things really satisfied me, and I would sort of "hop" from one thing to another in search of "something", but I didn't know "what". I was a classic "vagabond" and restless type. In fact, I was hooked on this one soap opera called "The Young and the Restless" (which described me perfectly!): I never missed an episode.
Looking back now, I can see three distinguishing characteristics in my make-up which would carry on even to the present: #1) I was an "all-or-nothing" type of person. I mean, when I was involved in something, I liked to be "all the way IN", or "all the way OUT", with no middle ground. I also tried my absolute best at whatever I did (although most of the time, I fell woefully short!). "Luke-warmness" was anathema to me! #2) I had a zeal for what was morally right and wrong. Of course, my concept of right and wrong was totally messed-up, distorted, and perverted. But I just knew that things were totally dysfunctional in the world because people would not do that which was right; Yet I didn't know why, or how anything could be fixed! And even as a sinner this greatly frustrated me. #3) I had a zeal for truth, and searched for it. I didn't know what the truth was, but I just knew there was a universal truth out there; Yet I did not know it, and that bugged the heck out of me, so I was searching, searching, searching! I claim no credit or personal goodness that I possessed these traits, because "a man can receive nothing, except it is given to him 'from heaven' -(Jhn. 3:27; 19:11)", yet I believe the Holy Spirit wants me to stress these characteristics because they are vital to possess in order for God to be able to mold us.
So looking back on those years now, I was certainly like your average Israelite under Egyptian bondage, predestined in the foreknowledge of God to become a Christian, yet under the cruel task-master Pharoah (who represents Satan).

2) "Deliverance from Egypt", and rejoicing. (2 years)
And that's when it happened: God chose me (I did not choose Him) (see John 15:16). His Holy Spirit supernaturally began moving in my life, and all those frustrating years of searching were over at last! It began as He worked through this one Christian guy named "Barry" at the factory where I was working.

I saw "fruit" in his life that was totally foreign to me: love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, humility, and self-control (the fruit of the Spirit- Gal. 5:22-23).

He certainly was an odd creature to me, having those traits! I remembered one other guy I had known who was like that in the college dorms when I had lived there, but back then I had conveniently tuned him out as he shared the gospel. Except.... NOW I was ready to LISTEN! Actually, Barry did very little of sharing any gospel; He just loved and be-friended me. Then I started going to church with him, and I heard it very accurately from his "Church of God" Pastor. One fateful day -March 15, 1985- I was in Barry's truck with him. We had just lifted weights together at a local gym, and there we sat in his truck in front of my house, where he waited for me to get out. Only God had other things in mind: THIS was my day to leave Egypt for ever! There sat Barry's Bible in its usual place on his truck dashboard. Suddenly I blurted out.... "Wait a minute Barry; What do I have to do to be "saved"?" Well, he sat stunned for a moment, and then grabbed his Bible, turned to Romans 10:9-10, and read that passage to me:

"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation."

He also showed me some scriptures on repentance from SIN. I think it's interesting to note that the "King James" language didn't bother me one bit (I thought it was kinda cool.)! I mean, I didn't grow up using that language, obviously, but yet now it was certainly no hindrance, either. I knew exactly what the Bible was talking about!
Barry held my hand and led me to say "the sinner's prayer", where I was genuinely sorry for my sins, asked God to forgive them, and then I received Jesus Christ as my Savior and my Lord. I meant every word. At that moment (I would learn later) I was supernaturally saved by GRACE THROUGH FAITH. I asked Barry if there was anything else God had for me to receive: He said, "Yes, the Baptism in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in other 'tongues'." I said, "Well, I want that too!" So he showed me the scriptures, and I received that also. (again... by GRACE THROUGH FAITH- this is key!).

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
NOT OF WORKS, lest any man should boast.
For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus UNTO good works..." -(Eph. 2:8-10)

If only I had remembered daily those scriptures for the years that would lie ahead of me, and the power of trusting in Christ and the Cross ALONE for my daily Christian walk! But needless to say, I entered what you might call a two-year "honeymoon" period, where I was Christ's and He was mine! Oh what joyful bliss it was, to have all my sins washed away, and to enter a brand new world of the supernatural, with peace and "joy unspeakable and full of glory"! It felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders; I felt so light and free. My parents thought I had gone nuts, off the deep-end. Yet I was the happiest I had ever been in all my existence, all because of this unseen Power that dwelt inside of me. You see,

... it was (and still is) the HOLY SPIRIT that made Christianity real to me; Those "Living Waters" which absolutely could NOT be duplicated by ANYTHING this world had to offer, because THESE Waters came from a supernatural Source from "above" (God in HEAVEN). And not only that: All of my life, I had to WORK FOR/EARN everything, yet with this.... all I had to do was BELIEVE (ie.: faith) .

I mean it was wondrous- almost "too good to be true"; Yet, it WAS true. It, or rather He (Jesus) was THE Truth which I had long sought for all of my life. And no way was I gonna give this up for any one or any thing; I had, as it were, found "the pearl of great price". The Holy Bible came alive to me, and it seemed as though a giant spotLight shined down upon It's Pages to reveal wonderful secrets from heaven! Also, I walked and talked with God daily in sweet communion. Certain circumstances and conditions in my life were still pretty bad, but I was genuinely a "new creature IN CHRIST JESUS" (2 Cor. 5:17); "Old things had passed away, and behold all things had become new". This joyful bliss lasted for about 2-2 1/2 years.

3. "Wilderness wanderings" (17 years)
Why this took so long -17 years- I have no idea, other than the fact that I was very stubborn, hard-headed, and unwilling to admit that I was wrong. And while I was IN this wilderness, if someone had told me that I was in a wilderness I would have vehemently DENIED it! Yet now I can see clearly, 100%, that I was INDEED in a wilderness! Yet, again, when you are IN something, and that is all you know, and every one else around you is there too, this is what seems "normal". Yet, as time wore on, I KNEW something was WRONG, dead wrong! The heavens began to seem like brass, Jesus and the supernatural seemed not as real as they had that first 2 1/2 years, and the Bible began to seem dead and dry to me. "What is wrong with me", I wondered. "Had I back-slidden?" I closely examined my life, yet I could not find where I was sinning, plus I KNEW that I still loved God with all my heart and wanted to please Him. Things were even going great with me at our church. I was a back-up singer on the worship team, and God would indeed use me at times to give interpretation of tongues and to give spiritual words of encouragement for the local Body; I was loved and respected by the other church members. God was even opening up to me a gift for preaching, and the Pastor had me preach a few times at church and for the youth group. Yet, it still gnawed at me... "What is wrong???" I seemed to have the answer for a while, when I heard from different preachers that it was normal for a Christian to go through certain "dry spells", and that God intended this to happen so that our faith would be increased and strengthened. Yet I never completely bought that. After all, Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came that we might have ABUNDANT LIFE, and I found it hard to swallow that He would cut off that abundant Life for an extended period of time so that our faith would grow. That was not in the Word, nor did it even make much sense to me! But nonetheless, I lived in this faulty reasoning for a while for the simple reason that I knew of no other answer. Plus, I did what I could to try to solve this thing on my own (bad move!): I read the Word more, I prayed more (and tried different "methods", and different times of the day), I began fasting regularly, getting off by myself just like Jesus did! I tried everything I knew, including seeking God incessantly. Then, to my horror, not only did things not get better, but they got worse! I found myself slipping back into a certain sin habit that I had before I was saved, and that had been broken for quite a while after I had been saved! At first, it was just an occasional thing, but then it became more regular. And each time, after I would do it, I would feel dirty and ashamed, and beg God to forgive me, wash me in the blood of His Son, and to change my heart so I would never do that thing again; Many genuine tears of repentance were shed.
(Now at this point, if you the reader feel so inclined to point a bony finger at me in self-righteousness, and to pompously proclaim "HA, Then you were really not a Christian after all- you HYPOCRITE!"; Well then, guess what? It is YOU who are right now in far worse shape than I ever was! Even though you may not have had MY particular sin, you have some other nasty little things that are repulsive to God that you are BLINDED to! Trust me, you are not the Mr or Mrs "Perfect Angel" that you think you are.)
You know something? The really amazing thing about this time period, is that all people were speaking well of me, and thought I was simply great: "Oh ....., you are such a blessing, blah, blah, blah." This was when I really knew that something was wrong!

"Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets." -(Luke 6:26)

Once this sin habit re-developed, that was sort of the "last straw" for me. I did NOT want to continue this "miserably saved" existence with no complete dominion over "sin", no vital reality with the Divine. So I cried out to God day by day for HIM to show me what was wrong. I basically told Him ... "Lord, I give up; There is nothing more that I can do: no more plans, no more schemes, no more methods or regimens. I cannot beat this thing! I put my complete trust in YOU ALONE!" Well... I do believe that is exactly what He wanted to hear, because.. HE ANSWERED MY PRAYER AND DELIVERED ME!!!!! OH HALELLUJAH, WHAT A THOUGHT! JESUS FULL SALVATION BOUGHT! VICTORY, YES VICTORY. I AM FREE, OH AT LAST I AM FREE!!
Now the question must be asked.... "Wasn't the price Jesus paid on the Cross at my initial salvation enough to have kept me free from sin?

The price Jesus paid on the Cross at our initial salvation is INDEED enough to keep us living victoriously. However, the problem lies with US (not with God), because through our free will, pride, and our bent toward self-reliance, we tend to take our faith OFF of His Work on the Cross, and place it upon OURSELVES AND OUR KEEPING OF LAWS, RULES, REGIMENS, etc., thereby " 'frustrating the grace of God' -(Gal. 2:21) ". Victory over sin is not automatic, like many Christians believe. One must DAILY keep JESUS AND THE CROSS as the sole object of his faith. Otherwise, he can easily slip into self-reliance, which activates the previously dormant sin nature within.

4. Abundant Life in Canaan the Promised Land (last 4 years)
This is where things get good, and they keep getting better and better. Not only have I been restored to the kind of living I experienced during my first 2 1/2 years as a Christian, but it is a much more full and deeper relationship with Christ. The supernatural has come alive to me once again and the power of the Holy Spirit in my life has increased exponentially. This has even translated to my physical health. Whereas previously I had gotten sick numerous times, now I rarely even get a cold! And with time, that sin habit has been broken in my life, totally and completely, with not even a desire for it. I have a peace that passes all understanding, joy beyond measure, a spring in my step, and always a song in my heart! The Bible has once again been illuminated, and is flowing forth with deep streams of revelation to my spirit. But most of all... again, I have been drawn closer to JESUS. His is the sweetest Name I know, and even during the worst days (as circumstances go) I am happy and content in Him, for He is my Portion and I AM SATISFIED! I have noticed, however, some professing Christians that have not shared my joy, who think of me to be proud, arrogant, and "holier than thou"; Yet what they fail to realize is that this is simply my confidence in Christ, for please believe me when I say this: "I am absolutely nothing without Him.... toast!"
"So what has made the the difference?", you may ask. The answer is so simple that it will shock you (although I have just alluded to it): It is total faith in Christ and the Cross for DAILY LIVING. That's "it"! And although this might sound too simple, yet Biblically this is what is required for victorious Christian living, for this is what gives the Holy Spirit the legal means to operate in our lives to give us victory over the world, the flesh, and the devil. Looking back at my life now... I had not been doing that: My faith, many times, had been in myself. You see, my focus- during the "wilderness period"- was on what I needed to do; When in reality, in order for the Holy Spirit to move in my life, my focus needed to be on Christ, and what He has ALREADY DONE for me, on the CROSS. So now, instead of me striving to do something else, I simply rest "in Christ". No more stress, no more striving, no more failure, no more regular repenting! Just.... ABUNDANT LIFE!

"Oh victory IN JESUS,
my Savior for ever;
He sought me, and He bought me,
with His redeeming Blood;
He loved me e're I knew Him,
and all my love is due Him;
He plunged me to victory,
beneath the cleansing flood!" HALELLUJAH !!!!!!!!